She had an earthquake on her mind

I realized I did something very stupid about a week ago. And I cant take it back. I _almost_ regret it. I almost wanna beg for forgiveness. Almost. No. I want to. But I can't. But this is not what I'm gonna write about today..
"

"This feeling never leaves you alone
You pull the trigger on your own
You're hiding in your safe place
Hiding with your eyes shut tightly
on the way to the hospital"

Ok, so today I went to Mast Park. With "my" kids. They played with millions(I may be exaggerating..)of kids and I just watched. But not for too long: I got a friend too! Don't please ask what her name was, because I didn't bother to ask. It's a shame really that I didnt ask.. Turned out that she was there at the park with her granddaughter Autumn. She was very interested in chatting with me. I just hoped she would let me be and listen to my music.(Lol, I'm such a finn..dammit) I gave in eventually and started to talk with her. (Okay, I'll call her Patricia from now on Patricia asked which kid is mine. I showed her my little girl and told that actually I have two, and showed the boy too. She started praising them: "AAw, they are the cutest kids! Like little angels!" Soon the boy bumped his head and came over to me..talking finnish. After the bump in his head was "healed", Patricia said: "Wow, what kind of language is that?" I told her that it's finnish. "Oh, that's interesting. Never thought it would be finnish.. sounds weird." I agreed with her. And luckily controled myself and didn't start to complain about F-land.. Then came the usual questions: How long youve been here? Do you like living here? Do you miss home? Are you trying to get the citizenship? ecc. But then came a new one: Is your husband finnish as well? I was pretty surprised and just said "I don't think so..". That was clearly not the answer she was expecting to hear. She looked at me with her big, old granny eyes for a long time, obviously thinking very hard what she had just learnt.It wasn't a long time really, a couple of seconds actually. I soon realized what I had told her and started to correct my answer: I mean, I'm not married yet so I don't know..I.. don't think..I'll marry.. a finnish.. guy.." I felt pretty damn stupid at that moment. But she didn't seem to care, or she hid it very well. Who knows. So she started interviewing me more. I rushed to tell her that I'm JUST an aupair. I told her some other facts too. She thought it must be very nice for me to spend a year abroad..and asked if I'm going to stay here or go back home. (Again I managed to control myself and not starting with "I don't really know where my home is anymore.."-thing) I was very embarrassed to admit that I'm going back to F-land and I'm not too excited about it. Even more embarrassed after what she responded to that:" Oh, yeah..Finland. There's not much to do, is there?" And her face when she said it, it was like pity combined with compassion and maliciousness.(Okay, I may have imagined the maliciousness, but the pity and compassion were there for sure! But after all, who knows about these americans..)

"Paralyzed by the same old antics
Back and forth like some walking spastic "

Anyway, Patricia was so right.. I don't know what I'll do with myself! I am just so stupid. I have no school or job over there. I don't think that I wanna study something right now, and working..meh. The first week will be just upacking my bag, crying my heart and eyes out, regretting things I didn't do or say, maybe meeting human-beings, hugging my Nappi and other hairy creatures, stuffing myself with delicous finnish candies (HAH, there! You got it American candies! YOU SUCK!) and maybe sitting in a sauna for a day trying to sweat out the calories from the candies.. The next week I'll maybe ride my bicycle( I hope it's still there where I left it..or at least in one piece..or fixable..) everyday to the library. And watch how senior citizens pass me by..glancing at me furiously, maybe whispering:"When I was young, I didn't have spare time to just sit around doing nothing! I worked my ass off and studied hard on my free time. Nowadays young people are so lazy!" And like that wouldn't be enough, they will remind me of Patricia. And the thing she said: "There's not much to do, is there?"

"'Cause baby I'm not alright when you go I'm not fine
please be all mine
I never want you to go
because I am all yours, so please be all mine "

Or am I being too picky? Should I put my dreams aside and stay in F-land suffering every minute? And no, I'm not dramatic! Or exaggerating! Have you been in F-land? No,didnt think so.. You have? Oh, so you HAVE BEEN there? Why did you leave? HAH. But if you are still there: I'm sorry for you. In case you dont feel like suffering(not every minute at least), please, enlighten me!

ps. The picture is a dying Napoleon. By Steuben.