I came back home from my minitrip a couple of hours ago. (Some pics and text coming any day now..)
And realized that I was kind of a homeless person the last 8days. It felt good for a while. For a short while actually. So I guess I'm kinda happy to be home again. But it's not that easy really.
Because this is not going to be my home for long. Yep, I'm moving. For a few weeks to another room, and then to another continental. And thats whats fucked up right now! It doesn't make any sense. I feel more home here than I've felt in most of my official homes ever. Maybe it's just that here I can do almost whatever I want(Okay, not really, I still need to mind my manners and I'm not really doing everything I dream of). Or maybe it's just that I like to be here.. and that I can be more myself here. Or maybe it's just that I like to express my opinions(some people might call this activity 'complaining').
Some people might wonder: "Why in hell it's easier to be more myself here than it was in F-land?" Well, here I have met some new people and I need to be me with them, and let them know who I am. I don't need to worry about things they have heard from other people who know/"know" me. When I go back to F-land, a lot of people will ask me questions but a lot of people will just stay quiet and let the others ask the questions. Or then, they don't even care, but I will end up telling them anyways. And that's not a good thing, I don't like forcing people to talk to me or to listen to my talk. Maybe I should write a short book about my experiences and let everyone interested read it. There it would be: the truth.
Telling the truth isn't that easy really. Or letting everyone know it. So I guess 4 different books would be a better idea. Not everyone needs to know everything, right? But people talk to each other, so the truth would come up eventually. Telling the truth would be pretty impossible really. Because I dont know whats the truth. And which things are lies? Who really cares and what really happened?
Does the truth really matter? Does it really? When we say and ask things, EVERY-FUCKING-ONE has an idea what they would like to hear. Like when people say 'I love you'. Do people really say it just because they wanna hear it? Not because they wanna hear 'I love you too'/ 'I love you more' or smt. And when people small-talk to each other "How are you?"..Do those persons really care? I think 99,99% of them DONT. I wish I was wrong. That vast majority just wants to say something to show the other that he/she has been noticed. That question's got only one acceptable answer: Telling that you are fine/good/well/whateverthatmeansthatyouareok. Once again, it might be just my idiotic cultural background,that tells me that 'you talk only when you have something to say'. So if you ask something, it means you really wanna hear. There's nothing wrong with that really. That's logical, isn't it?
Still it seems so impossible for me to let go and just go with the local "It"-thing: not caring. It's not my fault that I don't believe in faking. I sure fake things and lie too, but when it comes to interacting with people I _care_ about: faking isn't really the "It"-thing. This makes me wonder, do other people think like this too? So the people who clearly fake things when talking to me, they don't really care? Or are they just local people? But there are different locals too. Some talk normally, some of them have to be forced to talk and some don't talk at all. This is pretty black-n-white-thinking, there's not really any rules like these. Maybe it's just that the people who care, say it. And whatever is the outcome, they stand straight behind their words. They care, even when the other says nothing, obviously lies or something else. But those who care as well, say it. Since the most of us can talk. 99,99% may not care of random people, but everyone's got at least one person they care!
Sometimes, that one person is yourself. And those are the persons who seem to care only about themselves. Is that a surprise really? Haha, no! Selfish, self-centered people like themselves! And everyone around them should notice it. It, the truth. So, the selfish people are the most honest people really.(Or maybe they are the loneliest people and they have no one else to focus on.) They don't need to think what kind of truth they should tell the others. They just answer the questions asked if they want or have time. And if they don't.. well, you get the picture. Don't you?
To mess up things a little, sometimes some people lie to protect the people they care.
But when a person doesn't even bother to lie? It can't be a good thing.
What about those small-talk 'how are you's then? Well, at least they talk. And they lie as they ask. But would it be nicer to say "hello, i dont really care how are you but sure, tell me!" I think it would be. Sometimes. Maybe sometimes just for a change. Lucky me, the change is coming. Soon no one will ask me how am I doing. No one will lie to me and say it's really nice to see me. No one will ignore me in an evil way. Everyone around me will notice me. But they will either talk to me because they care, or they will let me be because they wanna let me be.
Very rarely,( once in the last 20years to be exact) I seem to force people to talk to me, lie to me and ignore me. It feels like a thousand knives stabbed through my heart and lungs. A lot worse, probably. That's just an estimate.
So please, let me hear your lies one more time.
